A father and husband muses on the gender differences in society, the social demands of today's teenagers, and the fear of losing life's most important battles.
Today was one of those "husband and father" days I experience more an more. Problems seem big enough at face value, but digging in and facing the problems tends to lead to deeper issues below the surface.
One such situation is fairly straightforward. My son is playing a LOT of soccer (futbol) these days. He's slow right now, and he doesn't seem to be working very hard. This comes from a bout with bronchitis last week. That cough, that weak little cough, makes me keenly aware of how fragile life can be.
Now I've got this infection. I'm weakened, but I'm not growing anymore--I'm shrinking. I'll be fine (I think). There will be no x-rays to determine the presence of pneumonia, like there was with this strapping young man that reverted to little-boy status last week. I just pray he gets better each day...and lives to see me die.
His life is different, though. He's a boy. Society has expectations of boys, for better or worse. Raising these two very different girls has been...ugh.
My youngest daughter is less...easy than the other two. She doesn't fit into a mold very well, and that's by design. I don't want to raise easy girls(!). I also don't want to raise girls who live submissively. Accidental Devotional's author (Sarah Quezada) speaks to that issue directly:
That's great, but if the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, she's digging deep in the family plot. We've dealt with ugly divorces, infidelity, self-mutilation, gender identity, drugs, violent fist fights, and other issues I'm too lazy to recount. She handles it all very well, but it takes time to help people who need it most.I don't want my girls to think that they have to be "a good girl" in order to be good. I know how often people throw those words around to mean pipe down, smile for the camera, don't make waves. I know how it feels when someone tells you, you would be more attractive, easier to stomach, better somehow with less opinions. I know how the world feeds you those lies, and how sometimes you swallow them, even if you are being fed truth at home.I don't want to raise good girls. I want to raise girls who are wild and free, girls who hear the voice of their God and cling to the goodness He has tucked into them, and oh how His goodness overflows from their little hearts. But I hope that they aren't good girls. I hope they are simply too out spoken for that.
My eldest daughter injured herself playing tennis yesterday. After some "quiet time" in the minivan, it came out that this was a deeply personal issue. She's been accused of bullying. She, too, is more like her father than would be best. The "victim" in this case doesn't understand sarcasm. My soon-to-be-senior has made changes. The other girl has not. Now, the pressure is on for my daughter to like the other girl. It's not enough to be polite. She needs to think a certain way...and only SHE is responsible for that relationship.
This brought on a confession of suicidal thoughts from another player. Now, the focus changes to that situation, at least in my family. Unfortunately, the coach seems disinterested in that part of the whole matter.
The frustration I'm facing comes from these girls' struggle to be heard in their quest to help. Victoria's biggest problem is that she is the one who actually talks to that coach about what is happening. Thus, it is her face on those issues. It's easy to blame whoever is in front of you, kind of like yelling at the customer service representative at an airline counter when the decision was made in Congress to cancel your flight. Katrina is seen as too young to adequately discuss such sensitive issues. She uses it to her advantage, but it slows down her efforts to just "fix things." She's just trying to get through the year, while Victoria thinks about quitting the team. April is the cruelest month.
I don't want these kids to live life afraid of conflict, but these massive schools and this warped political system in Texas tend to foster complacency. I'm proud of these three for fighting through their issues. They have a mother that demonstrates and models daily how to fight through adversity (including an impatient husband/father). Still, these situations are the "growing pains" of emotion in puberty. We would do right in Texas, the United States, and the world to realize that "Love is a Cure."
It's tough being a girl or a woman in this society. We have just witnessed a time when a woman lost her job for being too attractive. Now another white man in power has handed down a decree, er "opinion" on whom you may love in Texas. On Thursday, DeAnn and I travel to Baylor, where the Sexual Identity Forum holds meetings in one corner of the student union food court. The leader of this movement is female, black, and gay. Around here, that's three strikes. But this young woman is different. She returned my emails, made the phone calls, and keeps this group going. It's the kind of consistency that will eventually lead to major changes. She's a game-changer--a world-changer.
It's so much easier to give up...and it's even entertaining to hate others. I fret that my kids will lose the drive to do the right thing when it's not popular or easy or even productive.
I often say, "It's in GOD's hands now!"
I use that line for comic relief. I also use it to reassure myself, though.
